So many times, we're given the chance to take part in something exciting, even life-changing. But, many times we'll turn that opportunity down because we're afraid, because it's going to take us out of our comfort zone, and because it may have the tendency to leave us in a vulnerable position. It may bring to light some of our inadequacies and that can be frightening.
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| It's how I roll... |
I'm a "stay-at-home" kind of girl. Always have been, always will be. I'm not one to always be on-the-go. I didn't stay up until 3:00 am in college. I like routine.
When I wake up in the morning, the alarm gives out a warning, I don't think I'll ever make it on time.... I get ready for work, go to work, each pretty much the same thing for lunch every day, come home, take the dog outside, put on my pajamas, make dinner, do a little laundry/dishes, put in some reading and writing time, and that's about it. On Saturdays, we always go to breakfast, I go to worship practice, and I do housework. Sunday is all about church and trying to catch a nap. Clearly, it makes me uncomfortable and uneasy to do something that falls outside of the bubble that I've created for myself.
In the last couple of years, personal experiences - some self-inflicted and others that I had no control over whatsoever - have brought me to the place where I am today. These experiences, while painful at the time I was going through them (and if I'm being totally honest, they're still painful, even today). But, had I not experienced these "events," I wouldn't be able to minister to others. I wouldn't be able to use these "thorns in my side" so that other people can realize that they're not alone; that they're not the only one that has to go through the same things that just plain suck.
Many of you may or may not know this... if this "old news" to you, feel free to scroll ahead. But, in 2010 I fell into a bout of severe depression and came to terms with the realization that I had an eating disorder. Clearly not my finest moment. But, had I not gone through that storm, I wouldn't have had the good fortune to partner with Meredith Carter and her ministry,
Stealing Hollywood. I wouldn't have the amazing opportunity to co-author a book to promote self-worth through Jesus Christ to young girls. I mean, how cool is that; seriously? How can I not be thankful for what I had to go through to get to the place that I'm at today?
Going back to my post about being thankful for my church... let me just say this: I've mentioned that I'm a member of the worship team. When I was initially asked to be a part of this, I wanted to throw up and poop my pants all at the same time. The idea of getting up in front of a group of people, with a microphone in hand and strangers staring up at me, was literally more frightening than waking up to a brown recluse spider sitting on my chest, starting directly up into my eyes, ready to pounce. I guess I'm a decent vocalist... if you attend
Citylight and have to hear me every week, you're pretty much the judge of that. But, the point is, that God gave me an opportunity to use a talent that He's given me... one that I'm beyond terrified to use, but nonetheless have had to learn to come out of my comfort zone and use it. And I'm thankful for that opportunity - no matter how horrifying it may be to me on a personal level.
On a totally different note, it's really, really hard to be thankful for something that you feel as though you've been left in the dark and forgotten... time and time again. How can I be thankful to God when I can't have the one desire that He's put in my heart from the time that I was a little girl? How can I possibly show God gratitude and thanks that I'm 31 years old and still not a mommy? It's tough, and I'm not totally there yet. It's an every day struggle. I may not be thankful for the fact that we haven't been able to conceive yet, but I CAN be thankful for the amazing support system that God has provided us with, the friends I've made whom I wouldn't have otherwise had any reason to connect with other than the reason that they're going through, or have gone through, the exact same struggle that we're facing. The prayer support, relationships, and lessons that we've learned and will continue to learn through our journey to have a family of our own is definitely something to be thankful for.
So, yeah, sometimes we just have to be thankful for the crap that life throws at us. And I'm trying to be.
~ Heather
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